Successful communication is when people are able to freely express their wants and desires. It is only when these wants and desires are expressed that we are able to really communicate. Communication is the key to finding happiness and learning to co-exist with others. When communication is open and household members are able to really express themselves, then compromise and fulfillment are just around the corner.
Ask Questions
To successfully communicate requires truly understanding what the other person is feeling. The best way to do this is to ask questions. Make sure you understand. Find out how the other person feels. If they tell you something, ask what they mean – there are always at least two ways to perceive something and it can be difficult to know if something is being perceived correctly. Ask: "How do you feel about that?", "What do you think about this?", "Why do you do it that way?", "Is there something that I can do for you?", "Is there something you would like to do about this?"
Subjective Words and Clarification
Watch out for "subjective" words. Words like: big, small, a lot, hot, cold, old, young, and so on. These are words that can mean one thing to one person and something else to another. When you hear or say one of these types of words, clarify what is meant.
Example: The statement "I want to have a lot of children", to one person might mean more than two, but to someone else might mean eight to twelve. Clarify: ask questions. "I want a big house some day" is incredibly vague. Is a big house a three bed/two bath/two car garage? or is a big house a 32 room mansion on 100 acres? Is "some day" two years from now or it is some vague time in the future, possibly 25 years from now? clarify - ask questions.
Vague is okay, as long as it's clearly vague. In other words, someone not knowing exactly when they are going to have that house is fine, but establishing an approximate time period or clarifying that it would be after they've established themselves a little better at their job and saved up a down-payment but before they start having kids. That's all pretty vague, but it's more "clearly" vague than "someday". It narrows down the time-frame and gives the other person an idea of what to shoot for or if that falls in line with their ideas of some day.
Don't Assume
Don't assume anything, but especially don't assume that everyone does things the same way. I remember several years ago, I was living in a house with four other roommates. We had all decided that we'd take turns doing the dishes and were each assigned a night. When it came time for one of the guys to do the dishes he did them and left the rest of the kitchen as it was. One of the other roommates went "ballistic" on him. "What is that? You are so lazy! You never want to do anything around here. When you do the dishes, you're supposed to wipe down the counters and clean the stove too!" she yelled. "No, doing the dishes is doing the dishes! It's the cook's job to clean up after herself and wipe down the stove and counters", he yelled back. This was a case of faulty communication. In his household growing up, the standards were different from the house that she grew up in. So "doing the dishes" meant an entirely different thing to each of them.
Making Suggestions
Don't make suggestions unless it is the time for suggestions. Ask yourself first, "Have we communicated our wishes, feelings, wants, desires? Do we know what each party wants?" After things are explored THEN suggestions can be made.
Explicit Communication
Do the research. Don't start off conversations with questions that are really suggestions. "Do you want to ..." is not really a question but more of a suggestion. If, out of the blue, on a night that is normally your night to cook, you say to your partner "Do you want to go out to Sal's Pizza for dinner tonight?" – this can leave a lot of questions for your partner to answer. Such as does she not want to cook or does she really want pizza? Does she really want Sal's pizza or would she want to go to another place instead. Is she suggesting Sal's because she thinks I like Sal's or does she really like Sal's? When in reality you were just trying to say "I know it's my night to cook, but I'm tired and don't feel like cooking and was hoping that you'd agree to go out if I suggested Sal's because I know you like Sal's. But in reality, I don't care what we eat as long as I don't have to cook."
A better way to start this conversation would be with "Hey, I know it's my night to cook, but I'm tired and don't feel like cooking..." Establish what is really going on in the simplest terms and open up communication with a question "Would it bother you if we went out to eat or ordered in or something?" This allows the person you're talking to the opportunity to give informed feedback. They know what's really going on and will be more open to discussing it.
Learning to Express Yourself
Expressing yourself can be a challenge, especially when it's not something we are used to. Many people, especially women, do not understand the difference between expressing their wants and nagging or being selfish. Expressing what you want is the key to good communication. Being able to express what you want is the only way to let those around you know what you want. If they don't know what you want, the chances of them being able to help are very limited. Setting boundaries on what you will and will not accept helps those around you know what to expect from you and what to give.
